Gamers…as Fruit

We’ve hit the one year mark! And just to prove that my ideas for this blog are endlessly fruitful, here’s one for the ages, a killer post destined for the “cherry-picked” pile: gamers as fruit! Are you getting your five a day…?

Apples

You have your standard apple, and you have your standard gamer. The wonderful thing about apples is that there are so many varieties – and, you guessed it, there are many types of “standard” gamer! Is willing to try new things, takes an interest in recent games, but not to an obsessive fanboy degree. Balanced. Healthy. A little boring. One game a day, keeps the manic depression away…

apples

Pears

Casual gamer. Essentially a watered down version of the apple. Aspires to be an apple, but cannot commit. Has little to no taste.

Grapes

MMO player. Harmless on their own, but in a group can do some damage. Often sour and smelly. Goes moldy quickly – pee-yew!

Bananas

FPS fan. The shape says it all – a gun, of course! Or is it something else…? Has pretensions of being deep and dark under that thick skin, but is actually rather simple in an angry, competitive sort of way. Are you ready for a splat attack?

Peach

Fanboy. This one’s easy.

Figs

Retro gamer. Holds a rich knowledge of gaming history. Ripe in their old age, your average retro gamer thrives on feelings of nostalgia. Wrinkly, old, with a tough exterior – open this gamer up by discussing the Sega Saturn’s early demise in the West or ranting about how derivative modern games have become.

Pineapple

RPG fan. Prickly on the outside, soft in the middle, RPG gamers act tough, but just want a happy, cuddly ending. Love their spiky haired protagonists.

kingdom hearts pineapple 1

Strawberry

Sports fan. You see, strawberries are all genetic clones of one another. Year after year, you reap the same game, be it FIFA or PGA Tour. Often – unfortunately – bland/tasteless.

pga golf 97 1

Mmmm...strawberry flavour.

Dragon Fruit

Import game addict. Believes everything looks and sounds better if it is from Japan. Irritatingly smug, even if they have every reason to be, e.g. Super Mario Bros. 2, Rondo of Blood, Sin and Punishment, Segagaga and too many other games to even count, PLUS understanding games in their original language and context, etc etc. Most likely to say something very witty in Japanese (changing it up occasionally by speaking in the Osaka dialect).

Lemons

The discerning collector. Has a sour look about the eyes. Will occasionally take game out of case to admire disk/cartridge before carefully placing it back, sighing happily. Excellent for cleaning and preserving.

lemon

Tomato

Frag Doll/girl-who-poses-in-controller-underwear. This peculiar gamer gets the fruit that is not really a fruit. Odd one out. Awkward and weird, even in the context of a fruit-gamer list. Best when drenched with olive oil.

Kupo Nut

Final Fantasy obsessive. And while not technically a fruit, I value my own life too much to call any Final Fantasy player a fruit, when they would much rather be a nut! Will only play SquareEnix’s Final Fantasy, a series which ended in 2001 – any game which follows with the name “Final Fantasy” is definitely not canon. Will secretly play other RPGs, but nothing beats FF.

Kuponut

 

And, finally…

BONUS VEG

Sprouts

Simulation fan. Embittered by poor life choices, they spend their lives hiding from their lifelong ambitions to be engineers, war veterans or pilots… No one talks to these people except at Christmas.


Insert here knowing joke about how we are all fruit salads and smoothies! Which fruit are you? Did I miss any obvious fruit-gamer stereotypes? Did you find this post incredibly stupid and offensive, or do you just bruise easily? Register your hate below.

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